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dealing with disappointment

There seem to be a lot of things disappointing me lately. Whether it's my parents, my friends, my rejection from Friars club... it all seems to be hitting really hard right now. maybe my expectations are too high. it just seems like a lot of things aren't really going my way these days and and i am finding it really hard to be optimistic.

so, lets talk about today. i woke up at like 11 (not throwing up this morning thank god), went to the gym, and then went to brunch with tara, taylor, goldie, and grantis. some of them went out last night and said they had a good time. i'm glad i didn't though, i was way too irresponsible friday  night and needed to re-energize last night. but yeah, i ate a wrap and half an omlet. the food was good, the company was good. i really like spending time with tara and taylor, they are really nice. it's exciting when you  make new friends and feel excited to see people. i am getting tired of spending every minute of every day with the same people. it's nice to mix things up.

but yeah after that i went to the library to write my paper for british lit. i don't think it is very good so far but at least something is written. i spent a lot of time there but i am glad i did it. my dad called/texted a few times while i was there but i didn't really feel like calling back while i was trying to be productive. but then on my way to dinner i decided to call before i met everyone. my mom answered the phone, she was preparing food for the clearys to come over and watch with them. i wish i were there in the comfort of my own home to watch the game with my parents. but no, i am sitting here on my bed watching the game alone. somehow i feel like i imagined my college days watching the superbowl with all of my guy and girlfriends having a great time, loving life. oh well, another disappointment.

so i am on the phone with my mom and the conversation was just not flowing at all. it was like we were forcing each other to talk. so after an awkward two minutes i get on my phone who is much more energetic and talkative. he kept talking about geoff's birthday and some pinched nerve in his mouth or something. i don't really know. but then he went on to talk about what he did this weekend. he went to see avatar yesterday. yes, i realize how dumb this sounds but i was seriously counting on him to see it with me. and getting blown off when seeing movies is probably my biggest pet peeve of all time. i have a lot of pet peeves  (chewing with your mouth open, walking slowly, loudness, etc.) but this one takes the cake. so he said that, i said WHAT?!?! my voice got all shacky, i told him to call me later and hung up the phone. went into ray with a nervous twitch but proceeded to eat dinner with 7 friends. trying to keep a happy face on but it seems impossible right now. i was really planning on going home next weekend to take a break and relax after the difficult past few weeks it has been. but now i don't even want to. yes i miss my parents a lot but now i just don't even feel like dealing with them. now i feel like i have nothing to look forward to. nothing is really giving my excitement anymore. i can't tell if i am happy here or not. it just seems like when i left this place last december it wasn't the same when i came back.

somebody please give me a little guidance. i surely need it.

lets write a blog

hello livejournal, it has been far too long since i last wrote. the recent days of my life have prompted me to blog as a creative and emotional outlet for any distress i may be feeling. after a lovely month long holiday break, i returned to school on january 18th. i found myself itching to get back to school after many weeks of lazy and boring days. but now that i am back here, i am finding it much harder to transition back than i thought it would be. the initial move in day was exciting with greeting everyone again upon return. but then classes started, the syllabuses were handed out, and the overwhelming feelings set in. i forgot what it was like to be around people all the time, to never have any privacy. i have only been back for 11 days, and i get plenty of sleep every night. yet for some reason i cannot motivate myself. i feel tired all of the time and little things that my friends do irritate me. i got in a huge blow out fight with lauren on friday night and my feelings were crushed during the hours and days to follow. i was an emotional wreck. i had to get off of campus to get away from everything that had just happened. it was great to have some personal time and spend it with my aunt. but at the same time i felt like a loser for spending the first weekend hidden away in my aunts house. i guess we all move at different paces. luckily i have a lot of support from other friends, but this blow from lauren felt like a baseball bat right to the chest. i hated the awkward tension between us, so on monday night after a long conversation with geoff after i was feeling better about myself, i apologized to lauren. we had a discussion about what happened and it seemed like she put a lot of the blame on my stress and bad mood from transitioning. she didn't apologize in return. the whole fight was so dumb that i don't even want to get into who said what or who to blame. but i know that i would not have gotten that upset for no reason. yes, i am an emotional person, but i don't burst into tears and cry for hours for no reason. as i sit here in the chapel basement writing this, i start feeling like i want to cry all over again. i want to call my parents and just talk to them. they are my best friends. it's nice to have all of these people at school but i know that they are the ones that i will always be able to count on. i wish i could have been home and helped my mom feel better on her birthday. i don't know if i should be feeling so much pain while i am writing this. i don't know if i should miss home this much. no one else seems to be going through the same amount of difficulty that i am. i just wish i could shake this feeling. i just want to be able to embrace my friends. go a day without feelign sad and just laugh along with them. i want to be happy. i don't feel that way right now. i guess as i sit back and read this, i just seem unsure of everything. story of my life; i barely develop my own thoughts or make my own decisions on anything. i just wish i felt happier. and unfortunately that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. i guess the one redeeming thing that i can take from here is that things can only go uphill from here, right?
wow guys, finally updating. it's been so long.
basically livejournal has told me that it's been 5 weeks since my last update. obviously that's just a little too long. i don't even know what has happened over the past five weeks. i have applied to six colleges, and i am eagerly awaiting the response from each. my days have been fairly routine. pretty much everyday goes as follows: i wake up, go to school, come home, go to the gym, and then do homework for a while. i've been struggling a little bit in school lately with the mounds of tests. i've also accepted the fact that i'm never going to be good at humanities but that's ok, i'll get through it. i guess i don't really have anything interesting to write about. other than gossip girl tonight was really good. like really, REALLY good. i'll probably be watching it again on my DVR tomorrow or something. aaaand semi formal is this weekend. not really excited about it now but i probably will be as the day gets closer. it's almost more like stressing me out at this point because i don't have a dress and am just so unprepared. but that's ok i am betting that it will work out.
OH i know something interesting that happened over the past few weeks. i shamelessly joined the phenomenon that is twilight. that's definitely been a pretty big thing lately. i've basically avoided reading catch 22 and the iliad and everything just so i can read this teenie novel about a vampire. but yeah, saw the movie the other night. it definitely had it's highs and lows. i enjoyed edward cullen but wish they toned down on his make up a litle bit. kristen stewart playing bella was kind of frustrating but she was definitely very identifiable. i wish it had stayed a little closer to the book. i feel like they made bella out to be a little bit of a rigid bitch in the movie while she's much more relateable in the book. they also completely cut out a few scenes that i thoroughly enjoyed, and did not show enough of the cullen family. but it's ALL good. i will definitely be seeing it again sometime soon! i guess i feel a little strange updating this since it's been so long. but i will definitely be writing more in the near future. i mean, the holidays are coming up so that is a huge deal! hopefully you guys will be updating sooooooon too!!
hey guys!
i haven't updated in so long. i feel like there's so much to talk about. but at the same time not at all because nothing that interesting really happens to me. whatever. so today i went to fairfield. it was a good time. the campus was kinda closed for the holiday but i got to see the better part of it. it was a very nice campus and religious and had pretty much everything that i am looking for in a college. but i dont knowm, i just have a few worries that it might have too many people from like the new york/long island/jersey area. and i know that's not a good reason to dislike a school and i am judging those types of people without really knowing them. but it's still important to take into account the type of people you'll be surrounding yourself with for four years. but fairfield and marist are both painfully similar. saint michaels is still numero uno but the other two are strong prospects. it's all kind of exciting. and i've probably been stressing out too much about getting the college essay and everything done which is probably really annoying. BUT november 1st is soon so by then my complaining will definitely be over with! (OH BY THE WAY: during the info session at fairfield they were talking about the catholic influence all over campus and then they made some reference to spiritual RETREATS. and basically that was when fairfield took a major STEP UP in my book)
so after we went and looked at fairfield my mom and i went to see my grandparents because they live like 10 minutes away from there. we got lunch at this diner and went to the beach and it was all very cute! i'll see them again for thanksgiving. then we got in the car and drove back to fairfield where sacred heart university is. i didn't even realize it was so close but my mom and i drove around and i went into admissions and picked up one of their little folders. i was very surprised to see how popular it is and how little i knew about it. thennnn mom and i drove home and i was pretty much dying of exhaustion the whole time but i couldn't fall asleep. we got home around 6 and basically i haven't been doing much since. obviously i'm very tired but i don't feel like i can go to sleep because of this humanities paper. WHATEVER. oh and it's a shame that you guys don't watch gossip girl. it was pretty damn good tonight and i need someone to talk about it with. and i am REALLY excited to go hiking tomorrow. like, seriously it's going to be the best. so if you're not excited yet, you better be soon because this is going to be amazing. i'm picturing us right now singing songs and identifying different trees and taking pictures! (ten bucks says marina or wilson whip out the camera on the bus before we even get to greylock).
oh and don't forget that i'm goign to baltimore this weekend so we gotta do some bonding time before then so that we can make up for lost time! i feel like this entry is way too long. and i can't stop starring at my map!

so tonight, i guess i won't finish the entry with anything jonas related. as nora said last night i might have been born "five years too early". so peace out 1995, it's time for me to go back to my roots of '91.

everything is just so frustrating right now.
and i know i probably say that a lot.
but seriously, the littlest things are getting to me and are just making me so annoyed. and i hate to be like that but i guess that's just what it's come down to. maybe i'm just stressed about school (as usual) and taking it out on everyone else. there are like 4 tests this week, and i need to get everything done for my st. michaels application which is going out november 1st. which, i know it's not even october yet but i'm just so determined to get accepted early so that i can relax later on. i dont know, it's just everthing, the tests, the essays, the SAT's. and i get influenced by everyone in school so easily, so it can be easy to get stressed or upset because of others. that's probably what is actually going on right now. but i might be putting too much blame one everyone else rather than actually dealing with things myself. i dont know, the past few days have just been difficult and i feel like i've been sad most of the time. except for friday night which was the freakin bomb and you guys know what im talking about. but anyways, i hope things get better. i know that things like this usually just happen in fazes so hopefully this won't last for too much longer.
wow you guys, i am just so fed up. obviously you care more about your LAME clarinet duet than our friendship. the whole night i have been scrutinized and humiliated because of your unlimited connections in and out of school. and i've had it! it's all about the math, the physics, the band, the elite colleges down south. word. obviously i've spent a little too much time focusing on the real deal than you guys. whatever. sorry. have a nice life. maybe i'll see you at graduation.

ps. you guys are sitting silently right now. i hope you feel BAD about yourselves.
ps. get off that cake. ($2 to whoever understands that reference + my everlasting friendship)
ps. MORAN > FISHER yeah i went there.
ps. dont take this seriously.
hey guys!
well it's pretty much been an awesome day. i mean first of all, it was taco salad so you know that it's going to be pretty good day. anyways, i guess it was a pretty normal day until F period! pam and i were just outside lounging on the patio studying for latin when thiv and seanmackie came out. basically the whole day took a drastic turn for the better. pam whipped out her camera and all of the sudden there was a photo session. i'm pretty sure i creeped the hell out of thiv, but whatever he can deal. basically it was the indian experience i never got. and then seanmackie was just goofy and brilliant all at once. he's getting his license tomorrow! and we took a picture with ashley murphy and jennifer chairez who i haven't spoken to since like, middle school. so it was all good. and then latin, which was a katie day so automatically it was just perfect. we took a quiz and then sat there for the rest of the time and didn't do anything. then i ran over to sloanes and got work for tomorrow off! so i can go to sat tutoring AND the soccer game. and theni came home, chilled for a little, watched some gossip girl and went to bwest. BWEST was another experience in itself. im just there, on the elliptical getting my burn on, when all of the sudden the lights go out. all the lights were gone except for the glow from the tv's and the machines. i dont know i kinda enjoyed it. it was only for like 10 minutes but it was all dark and nice. and i burned 600+ calories so that's always a good feeling. then i went to stop and shop, grabbed some stuff for my mom to make for dinner, bounced over to cvs to pick up the latest tiger beat. had a d

so, all in all today was a success.
chris enjoyed his birthday card which i spent too much freaking out about.
zach called out eric in math class, making sure everyone knows he's a giant pussy. and made fun of him for leaving at 12 everday.

OH and one of the BEST moments today,
mr. hurley told me that he was talking to mr. starenko yesterday and he said that i was one of the best "thinkers" in his class!!! im not exactly sure what that means but i am ecstatic about it. especially because starenko is one of the coolest people to walk this earth. i am definitely going to him for a recommendation!

lets hope tomorrow is just as good!
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good night everyone : )

hey guys!
congratulations, we got through the worst day of the week: monday! well things have been pretty awesome lately. i mean, football game on friday night was just amazing. even if lee did get crushed and i might have been acting like a downer compared to pams cracked out status, it was still wicked fun. i'm just glad we're keeping the tradition of going to hot harrys, the football game, friendly's, and then finishing it off at nora's house. it's a pretty good system. basically saturday i just spent the day sleeping and waiting for work to start. oh but i did go out to support the cross country team. shout out to pam and the runners! and then i went to work which was less than thrilling but nora came and visited me with a strawberry cream frapuccino which pretty much made my life ten times better. then we went and got christo and armando who were kind of fun/crazy/cute/mean. but i mean, it's understandable, we all go through the freshman phase. aaaand sunday i kept it real. had an awesome work out, got some school work done, cleaned my room, listened to some good music. i really should be using this time to work on my college essay but i have been procrastinating like crazy. i know it's going to be about england but i don't really know what i should specifically focusing on. oh well, i am pretty confident everything should be working out. OH and today was the first yearbook meeting. we're a pretty cohesive group so i'm pretty sure it's going to be the best yearbook EVER. we want to dedicate a page to lukas! ugh and today i was supposed to go to bwest after school but that never happened. i ended up falling asleep and never got to go work out : ( but i guess there's always tomorrow.

oh and i need some help from all of you guys. what are three adjective that describe my personality? i am trying to fill out the student forms for mr. andersen and i'm having a difficult time completing it so if you could help with ANY suggestions i would really appreciate it : )

and just so everyone knows, DEMI LOVATO's debut album drops tomorrow and it's called DON'T FORGET, so dont forget! haha. i've only heard two songs off of the album and i really enjoy one of them so far. and i'm going to start the first discussion of this group ever. i want you guys to listen to the song and let me know how you like it!

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i hope you guys enjoyed this entry! give me feedback so i know what to do next time!


Wow, this is so great. I’m in the library for study right now and didn’t realize that livejournal is not blocked! So pam is making a new account/pretending to work on her VHS. Yeah so last night I was so freaking exhausted after getting home from school and work at like 9 and then had so much more homework to do. So when it came to waking up this morning I just couldn’t do it. I skipped physics first period and then skipped second period too because it was just a study hall and stayed home and relaxed. It kind of made me feel lazy though. I’m basically just really stressed out about everything in school right now. There are humanities tests like every week plus the normal class drilling, moran is freaking out on everyone because they’re failing and don’t care to pay attention, and I am just not good at physics. Not to mention there are applications for college due soon so I’ve got to work on essays and get letters of recommendations. Tough times. Plus i’m getting annoyed with myself for getting so involved with zach and putting all of those dumb posters up in the green room. Maybe I just need to lay low for a while and stick to getting everything done with school before I can just relax and enjoy stuff. Maybe I’m just overly stressed though.

Ok well I’ve got to go to work tonight and then come home and study physics and humanities tonight but it’s okkkk! Im glad pam is on livejournal now so all my blogging buddies better comment!

Sep. 16th, 2008

wow, it's just the best. im so excited to be a part of the revival team of blogging. basically this is going to be a documentation of senior year this and like 10 years from now we can look back and see how great things were. yeah. work tonight was crazy. really busy with like 40 butch lady golfers. and i met the new manager who's coming when martha leaves, and he was really nice and fun so that was a relief. i was really nervous before but i think it'll be ok. happy birthday nick jonas! had to throw that out there just in case he's reading. sweet sixteen! yeah, i dont know my past few birthdays have been a little less than amazing so i hope he has a little better luck. and he probably will. okkk so i've got to work tomorrow and still have tons of homework to do so i better get to that. but let me just say that im wicked excited for this weekend! nora!